Ray Romano says:

“I once stayed at a hotel. Once in the room I decided to watch porn.

The screen said ‘choose one movie, two movies or get a block of them’.

I chose ‘block of them’.

Following message appears: “Congratulations, you have blocked all porn movies”.

So I called the front desk.

Young lady answered with “Yes, Mr. Romano, how can I help you?”.

I then said “Just wanted to know the check out time”.

Man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking dog on sale”.

Stops by.

Says to homeowner: “You have a talking dog on sale?”

Homeowner: “Yeah, he is in the back”.

Man: Goes back. Sees the dog sitting next to his small house. He feels silly saying it but he does: “Are you the talking dog?”

Dog: “Yeah. I am retired. I used to be a military dog helping find landmines, survivors etc. Then I joined the police, sniffing out all kinds of stuff and helping keep the world safe from criminals. Then I was cast in couple of movies @ Hollywood.

Now I am just raising my puppies”.

Man was impressed. Goes back to the house and asks the homeowner: “How much for the talking dog?”

Homeowner: “Ten bucks.”

Man: “Why so cheap?”

Homeowner: “He is a damn liar. He didn’t do nothing”.

Click here.

What’s the difference between ‘In-laws’ and ‘Out-laws’?

Out-laws are wanted.

Car dealer on the phone with customer: “We have received your deposit. Car will be delivered 10 years from now on August 24th”.

Customer: “Oh great. Let me check. That’s fine. Will it be in the morning or the afternoon?”

Dealer: “Does it matter?”.

Customer: “Yeah, because the plumber is coming in the morning”.

ALEX

Secretary: Boss, your garage door is open.
Boss: Oh do you see a Rolls Royce in there?
Secretary: No I see a Volkswagen with two flat tires.

DSG

Two men were walking down the street and came upon a frog. The frog said,”Pick me up and give me a kiss and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman and do anything you want me to do.”

One man reached down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. His companion said,”Are you crazy? That frog can turn into a woman and do anything you want!”

The first man said,”At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

STELLA

Apart from the tennis happenings in Asia it’s a bit quiet on the Planet so here is something murph just sent to me — it originally appeared, posted by TP , in July 2007.

One day while jogging a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling. “What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked. “Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back. “Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”

JENNY

LAUGH STATION

From Thomas Cook Holidays – listing some of the guest’s complaints during the season.

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry I don’t like spicy food at all.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. “The beach was too sandy.”

8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

11. “We bought’ Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

12. “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

13. “There was no egg slicer in the apartment…”

14. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish…”

15. “The roads were uneven..”

16. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

17. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

18. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”

19. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

20. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”

21. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

22. “I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”

23. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

STELLA

Joke for today.

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of 
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. 
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking 
deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any 
longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

CHIPNPUTT

For Laugh Station:

IMAGINARYBAND

Was Gadhafi born on August 8?

“It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.” –Jay Leno

“It’s being reported that Moammar Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite core of female bodyguards. In a related story, Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“Gadhafi said his people ‘love him.’ I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That’s basically admitting you’re evil.” –Jimmy Fallon

“No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi’s name. He’s like the Hanukkah of dictators.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts.” –Conan O’Brien

“On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He’s now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.” –Jay Leno

“Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, ‘Two and a Half Shiites.'” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya’s troubles. It’s going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell.” –Conan O’Brien

“Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News.” –Conan O’Brien

“Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.” –Conan O’Brien

“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, ‘Deal.'” –Jay Leno

“People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he’ll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi.” –David Letterman

“In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video.” –Stephen Colbert

“I don’t think Khadafi gets it, because half the country is in rebel hands, his military is defecting and he’s being tried at the International Criminal Court. Somebody asked him today what he’s doing. He said, ‘Duh, winning!'” –Bill Maher

BANTI

The content of an email I found from a while back on ‘what women really mean when they use familiar phrases’:

1. “Fine” – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. “Five Minutes” – If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. “Nothing” – This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. “Go Ahead” – This is a dare, not permission … Don’t Do It!
5. “Loud Sigh” – This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. “That’s OK” – This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That’s OK’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. “Thanks” – A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say ‘you’re welcome’… that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
8. “Whatever” – Is a women’s way of saying: —- you!
9. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it” – Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to word 3.

STELLA

BUNNEE

MY favourite quotes:

The older you get, the better you were.

“My how you’ve grown — you’ll soon be able to grab God’s balls”

Start each day off with a smile & get it over with.

Your best is none too good!

Don’t just stare at me… fantasize!

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

You have delusions of adequacy.

Eat what you like & let the food fight it out inside.

In God we trust — all others we monitor.

God, please save me from your followers!

Eat the rich — the poor are tough & stringy.

It’s a blink from diapers to Depends.

We don’t make sense, but we do like pizza.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When you’ve seen one nuclear war, you’ve seen them all.

You’re kind of a big deal.

If all else fails, lower your standards.

The last time I saw him, he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

Grub first, then ethics.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

A clean shirt attracts the soup of the day.

Don’t get even… get odd!

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Have a nice day… somewhere else!

What’s the use? Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster.

MURPH

DSG

Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school I don’t know how we missed doing this:

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank. They let 3 goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose they painted numbers on the sides of each goats: #1, #2, and #4.
School administration spent most of the day looking for #3.

——————————

Gate 14 at the Denver Airport:

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making a point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as air cargo:

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was trying to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket on the counter and yelled, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be happy to try and help you but I’ve got to help these folks first. Then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and picked up her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to Gate 14.

With the folks behind him in line began to laugh, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said,”F**k you!”

Without flinching, the agent smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

BJORNINO

Laugh station: 
I find this brilliant – check out the look on his face! 😀

Belinda Heggen deals Mark Aiston a low blow.

JENNY

Laugh Station.

I’m sure cat lovers/owners can relate to this one!

STELLA

Laugh Station for today.

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco’s supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 
“and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”

“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.

“Why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”

“Is that right?” replied the manager,” My wife is from New Zealand !”

“Really?” replied the boy, “Who’d she play for?”

SPERRY

Laugh station. Cleaning my hard drive… found these… must be at least 15 years old. Some real “groaners” in here. You probably need to be 40 or so to recall the reference in 10, so if you don’t get it just be happy for your youth.

1. Many people don’t know this but William Tell and his son were avid bowlers in their day. They were very competitive. Unfortunately a serious castle fire destroyed their scores and league records. To this day, no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.

2. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …. what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one would make them laugh. But no pun in ten did.

STELLA

seems a bit quiet here as we wait for the (almost) ” All Federer, all the time ” day at IW. Sperry , do you have tickets ?

So here is a laugh station for today 
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

Here are Vince’s relatives, in no specific order:

His dizzy aunt ———————————————– Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes——————————- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His magician uncle ——————————– Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin —————————————- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ————— Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ————————————- Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————– Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ————————————– Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ————————————– Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ———————————– Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————– Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

RAFAFAN

Laugh station stuff

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

STELLA

Here is another for Laugh Station.

When Love Fades…

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s lovely voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like for dinner my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you sweetheart, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup. I was talking to the dog.”

RAJ

Hope this makes you laugh. It was sent to me in an email.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’
‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied,
‘Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen.

M

Baby Laughing Hysterically at Ripping Paper

This has nothing to do with tennis — but I didn’t know if anyone else was having a rough post-Oscar Monday with no tennis in sight till this weekend’s Davis Cup matches, and I thought it was just so funny I had to share.

Captions welcome! 🙂

SPERRY

For the laugh station. Sorry I don’t know the name of the woman involved in this exchange. (So I will call her Ms. Smith.) The male is Winston Churchill.

“Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea.”

“Ms. Smith, if you were my wife I’d drink it.”

STELLA

today’s Laugh station.

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, 
Vinnie